When I wanted to skip Communion Sunday

Last Sunday I didn’t want to go to church. I wasn’t sick. I had slept well enough the night before. The weather was clear. But I wanted to stay home.

This was not like me at all. I’m the one who would cry when I was sick and stuck at home as a child. That’s a whole different story though.

In my mind, I thought, “I’ll just go teach the four year olds at 9:30. Then I will slip out before the service begins. I can have an extra-restful Sunday afternoon, and my body needs it since I’m working to heal it.”

Excuses. Excuses. You’re probably wondering — Why?

What’s so different about Communion Sunday?

The first word: Communion.

My anxiety had been growing for a month…since the last time my church served communion. I was fine that time. Nothing had changed yet, but I knew the drastic diet restrictions were coming. I had researched plenty to understand nutrition plays a huge role in healing autoimmune disease. I just hadn’t realized how it would affect the way I took communion until the last Sunday I went up front for a piece of gluten-free bread and a sip of grape juice.

That Sunday it hit me, “I won’t be partaking in communion for a while.”

The question was, and still is, will I have to avoid this taste for just two months or is it a permanent requirement for my long-term health?

I didn’t skip Communion Sunday. As much as I wanted to run away from a hard reality, I found the strength to stay.

Part of my healing journey is being more than OK with who I am. I want and need to live in freedom as a whole person. And last Sunday, that meant staying at church and crying during the service. The tears came again right after church, but I didn’t care.

I felt better. I was real. I let myself grieve this loss, even if it is temporary.

I don’t have the answers yet and I don’t know the future. But this kind of freedom brings healing too. The kind that says, “I am broken. I am weak. Yet I am still strong.”

So admit those hard questions and be ready to let go. Hold on to the good things you still have, and wait for what is coming.

Saying Goodbye to Foods I Love

Ten days ago I had to change my diet again. I thought I knew all about giving up favorite foods, those foods I crave and could eat any day. But I broke up with more foods last week. I was already in transition-mode, waiting for a doctor to confirm and clarify.

I started seeing a functional medicine doctor this past September. I had pondered the idea for a while so it was time to make it happen. I decided 3 years of just surviving each day was enough. (I’ll tell you more of my story soon.) And this year my food sensitivities have grown worse. I could speculate about food intolerances up to a point.

Because it’s hard to have concrete answers when you’re experimenting on your own.

The goal is to live well, to be healthy as a whole…and I want that to include more energy and fewer worries of reacting to something I put in my body.

The doctor gave me the new diet two weeks ago, but I couldn’t go home and begin immediately. I took four days and called them my “buffer days”. There were a few foods left in the house that I wanted to enjoy before I said goodbye. I needed time to plan future meals and shop at a different grocery store.

So I ate the last of my gluten-free chocolate chip cookies. I drank my fill of coffee with almond milk. I ate egg whites for breakfast or snack. I consumed more bacon in three days than I should have. And I enjoyed a bit of rice pasta with plenty of butter.

This sounds like a terrible way to start taking back my health, but I hadn’t fully given up these things.

Every meal included a last until that Monday when the firsts began.

Monday was the first day…

I didn’t drink coffee in more than two years.

I didn’t have eggs or egg whites for breakfast.

I couldn’t add butter to anything.

I couldn’t rely on homemade hummus for snack.

A lot of things changed and I will tell you the first three days were rough. I don’t know how I made it without sleeping the days away. The hunger was constant and I wondered if this is how I would feel for the next two months.

I cried the first morning. I was overwhelmed and longing for that warm cup of coffee to wake me up. I wanted those foods I had just been tasting the day before. And I didn’t want to take all of the supplements that are meant for my good. I’ve never been great at swallowing pills, but I knew I had to do it. I let out all of my tears and prepared myself for the task.

I could do it. And I did. I found a way because I’ve been determined to regain my health ever since this all began.

Ten days later and I’m already better. I’ve made it through the worst days.

Energy is rising.

Skin is clearing.

Appetite is stable.

And I have new foods I love.

I’m ready to begin a new year. Maybe 2015 is the year when many of my unanswered questions are resolved and I better understand what health means for my body.

For now I will do my part on this journey to healing.